Donald Trump's Secret, REVEALED

ATTENTION ALL DECLARED REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES! 

 Pay close attention to this blog post because I am about to offer up some rare, yet VALUABLE advice.  Normally, I would rather choke to death on my own vomit than help a Republican.  But this political season has already proven so bizarre that it has come to the point where SOMEONE has to step in and offer up some sensible suggestions to the huge pack of maroons who aspire to be the next Commander in Chief.  

Donnie Trump - Starring in Donnie's World

As you may know, I have done some work in Reality TV.  I consider myself extremely well versed on the topic both in front of and behind the camera.  Your boy, Donnie Trump, has also had his fair share of reality TV experience. THAT IS WHY HE IS KICKING YOUR ASSES!  Donnie understands what sells in America - idiotic, over-the-top antics.  He knows that every time a camera is on you, you need to amp up your "nutty factor" and play up to what the public desires - which is being crazy.  Donnie isn't running for President.  He is performing in a Reality Television show and every other candidate in the Republican party is merely an occasional reoccurring character on HIS program ~ Let's call it "Donnie's World".    

Here's the secret ladies and gents - REALITY TV ISN'T REAL.  All the other 16 candidates who are polling at least 1% with likely voters (there are more candidates than that) are stuck in the real world, where people actually think and care about real solutions to real issues.  They have yet to realize that in Donnie's World, those things aren't important.  What is important is to keep your material interesting, fresh and outrageous.  The only way any of these candidates has a chance of creating enough buzz to at least make regular appearances on Donnie's World is to HIRE A REALITY TV CONSULTANT.  I'm not kidding.  They are going to need to bring someone like me onto their staff who knows how to grab headlines in a Reality TV Universe.  

Hellooooo Nurse!

The same can be said to some extent in our party as well.  Hillary effectively sucks all the oxygen out of the room and she seems to be the only candidate the press wants to cover.  The other four candidates (yes, there ARE four more Democratic candidates polling at least 1%) need to bring a Reality TV producer/writer/director on staff to grab some of the media away from Hillary before the DNC hands the crown to the anointed one.  Martin O'Malley did a bang up job last week with his clever stunt in front of the super-grody Trump Tower, but he can't stop there.  He needs to continue to freshen up his spin, keep things lively, interesting and dare-I-say, a little bit nutty.  

So get to stepping candidates - 

Go "Wag The Dog"! 

Here are some recommendations of production company folk who have a little time on their hands.  Any of these companies would be able to turn around Donnie's World. Follow the links to their information:  

Authentic Entertainment - Here Comes Honey Boo Boo

Figure 8 Films - 19 Kids and Counting

Firecracker Films - My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding

495 Productions - Jersey Shore

Go Go Luckey Entertainment - Eden's World 

Heather A. Ryan - Really Cool Shit you've never heard of ...

This Veteran's Tits Don't Matter

Have you ever heard authors talk about why they write?  "Oh, I write because it's my therapy" ... "My writing helps me get all my frustrations out".  Blah, Blah, Fucking BLAH!  That has NOT been my motivation each time I've written about my experience with the Veteran's Administration and the new "Veteran's Choice" system that's supposed to be less-incompetent.  Instead, each time I write about these complete fucking morons, I just get angrier that I'm still dealing with them!

If you're not familiar with the "Tit Squish Drama of 2015" go HERE, HERE AND HERE to catch up.  It's a shit ton of reading and not terribly interesting - but Hell, you've spent more time sitting at stop lights over the past week than these articles will take you to read.  

If you're wondering why I'm dropping the F-Bomb so much in this blog, as opposed to my previous F-Bomb free summaries of this astounding fiasco, it's because I have absolutely reached my fucking wits end.  I mean it.  I am so cooked that my hair has turned bright red and I am severely freckled.  I can barely type properly because my hands are shaking so much and my eyes are blurred as my tears uncontrollably well.  

So here goes ...

I called the Veteran's Choice on July 31st - 20 days after the last time I spoke with them - 18 days after they were supposed to call me back.  The first person with whom I spoke said she couldn't help me because their office doesn't deal with my geographic location.  According to her, they have NEVER dealt with Iowa and because of this, my file states that I am not eligible for health care benefits and my account was marked with "Null".  Astounded, I asked, "So each time I've called this number I've been speaking with the wrong people?" She said "Yes" and transferred me to DeShawn who apparently works for another office.  

DeShawn put me on hold for a while longer.  He eventually got back on the phone and told me that I didn't have a referral (authorization) to receive the mammogram about which I was still trying to inquire.  REMEMBER, I HAVE BEEN HEARING THIS SAME FUCKING SHIT FOR MONTHS NOW.  Exactly, the same shit!  EXACTLY.  So I said, as plain and flat as I could muster - "Are you se-ser-serious?  You're telling me that your organization is still giving me the run around because you have yet to fill out a fucking piece of paper?" To which DeShawn said, "Ma'am, if you don't settle down and clean up your language, I'm going to hang up on you." To which I said, "DeShawn, I served in the United States Navy.  I can talk like a sailor as much as I damn well please! Let me speak to your supervisor".  DeShawn continued on for a while about my vulgarity (though that was my only F-Bomb of the exchange) while I continued to ask for his supervisor - ANYONE - who can answer why I am still dealing with this complete and total bullshit!  Eventually, I got a supervisor who AGAIN walked me through the question and answer session I have done time and time and time again since beginning this process.  She eventually said someone would call me Monday to confirm an appointment for the follow up, 6 month mammogram, that is now 3 months over due.  I told her I'm holding my breath.  

Monday came and went.  No. Call.  SURPRISE!

On Tuesday at 11:30 AM I received a call from a young lady from Veteran's Choice who wanted to know the name of the referring physician who requested the mammogram.  I told her to try the Women's Clinic at the Des Moines VA.  I don't mind saying that she was dumbfounded, perplexed and obviously had no idea about what I was talking.  Then, she asked me if I had their phone number.  UHM - NO!  I DON'T!  TRY THE PHONE BOOK!  It's the damned Des Moines, Iowa Veteran's Administration - how hard can it be to look up on Google?

Today, August 5, 2015 I received a voice mail at just before 9 AM from Veteran's Choice stating that I needed to call them back because they had appointment information for me.  FINALLY!  FUCKING FINALLY!  I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT!  I called them back on my lunch break.  I waited on hold for 20 minutes until a young lady came on the phone and was shocked that a female was on the other line.  As if there are no women veterans.  But, I digress.  "I don't know why they left you that message, they were just reading from a script." she said. "You don't have an appointment.  It says here in your file that you are not eligible for an appointment."  

I AM SO FUCKING COOKED THAT I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO!!  "WHAT IS MY NEXT STEP IN THIS PROCESS?" I ASKED HER.  "I don't know." she answered. I hung up. 

I'm back to square one.  No appointment.  No follow up.  No one in my corner.  Not the Veteran's Administration.  Not Veteran's Choice.  Not Secretary of Veterans Affairs, Robert McDonald.  NO ONE!!  I AM SO DONE.  

IF YOU HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS, I'M READY TO HEAR THEM!